âHey,â I say, with a knock. âYou ok?â
âNn.â Came the reply.
âIâm coming in.â
âNn.â
I step into the bathroom, not knowing what to expect, but I had a ball of dread in the bottom of my stomach. Iâm relieved Darren isnât hurt, but then I see what he had done with the scissors and his hair. âHey,â I repeat softly. âWhat are you doing?â
âItâs coming out,â he says quietly.
I sat on the closed toilet. âYour hair?â I ask.
Darren nods, blankly.
âThat happens with chemo.â
âI thought Iâd shave it off, but you canât bring electronic shavers in the bath. And so I tried to cut it off but I canât.â He hugs his knees. âI canât. And itâs just falling out.â He begins to cry.
I furrow my brow and purse my lips. Iâm only a few inches away but it feels like I canât reach him. I swallow my emotions, stand-up, and begin to take off my clothes. Darren doesnât look up. âScoot forward,â I instruct, and he scoots up. I slip in behind him, but canât fit my long legs folded. I place them on either side of Darrenâs body, and then pull him against me. He leans against me, still a hard ball, shaking in the tepid water. I turn on the warm water to a gentle trickle, then tighten my grip on him. He begins to unravel, until he is laying on me. His body shakes softly as he cries.
âDarren?â I whisper.
âY-yeah?â he hiccups.
âItâs going to be alright.â
âYou donât know that,â he accuses.
âI meanâŠâ I exhale softly. âIt doesnât matter if your hair falls out. Or if you lose weight. Or if you get tired more easily. It doesnât matter, no one is going to think negatively of you for it. Itâs gonna be alright. You got friends. You got me.â
ââŠI donât want to die from cancer.â
I squeeze him even tighter and kiss the top of his head. âWe all die someday Darren. But you wonât die now. Not soon either.â
He doesnât answer.
âYou know, they say – live each day like itâs your last. But thatâs silly, cause youâd do some stupid things or blow all your money right?â
Darren shrugs.
âWell, I think itâs silly. Especially because even if one of our days was the last, Iâd still just want to spend it as a normal day with you. Because each day with you in it is a good day.â
Darren sniffles. âYou will love me through out this whole thing?â
âWith intense, passionate, unlimited love.â
Darren relaxes against me a little. âI love you, but I canât believe you would give it to me back knowing what weâre up against.â
âI will always love you back,â I answer firmly, hoping he canât hear my words shaking.
âThat makes me happy. Hey, David?â
âHm?â
âWould you shave my head?â
âYeah. I will. Want me to shave mine?â I asked.
âNo,â Darren says, âI like to play with your hair cause itâs long.â
I smile a little. âOk. Just yours. And no more scissors ok?â
âOk,â Darren says, âNo more scissors.â
I kiss him on the head, and reach back to turn off the water. We sit in the silent bathroom, cuddling in contemplative quiet, until the water becomes cold. Darren falls still.
For a terrifying second, I think heâs actually dead.
No, just asleep. Rattled, I wake him up and help him dry off.
I put him to bed. After heâs tucked in, I go downstairs and turn on the living room light. I take the presents out of the hidden spot behind boxes in the closet and put them under the tree. I stuff the stockings with trinkets. Then, I sit down by the tree, stare up at the pretty twinkling lights, and begin to sob.
                                           _____________
It wasnât my last Christmas with Darren. I got four more wonderful, merry Christmas Eves with Darren. We got a dog. There was a wedding. We bought a house. I let myself be happy.
Then the cancer came back. It didnât respond to chemo anymore. I shaved Darrenâs head again. It never grew back. I lost my Darren on a rainy July evening. I thought by December, that I was recovered enough to handle it. But I wasnât. I wasnât OK with the empty tree and the silent house.
My sister, who was worried about my lack of presence on Christmas morning, came to check on me. She found me in the garage. Just in time, the doctors said. But I could see it in their eyes. It was close. Too close. I was mad at first that she had stopped me, but by the time New Years rolled around, I just felt numb. I got therapy. I sold the house. I kept the dog.
A few days into therapy, my therapist told me about a group for gay persons who have lost their spouses. I went, and sat in the back. But I kept going once a month, and fourteen months later, a new person started coming.
âGod how California is this that thereâs vegan donuts over here?â Judd asked, chuckling.
âThe coffee is organic too,â I noted.
âGood lord, this city. When I want to feel pitiful, I just want gas station coffee and shitty donuts made by people who donât speak English and run a Chinese restaurant next door. Why is that hard?â
I actually laughed. âNow that you mention it, why are there so many Chinese restaurants next to donut places?â
Judd shook his head. âI really wish I knew. Gets me every time. Hm, actually this donut is pretty good..â
âI think you need to apologize to the donut, Judd. I donât think the donut appreciated you judging it.â
That made him laugh back.
Judd lost his own husband, Mark, three years go. Brain aneurysm. Judd took it harder than me. He had no time to prepare. Woke up next to his husband t to find him dead and stiff. Can you imagine that? Judd, who had a problem with pain killers already, turned to heroin to numb his pain. He was climbing out of his own hole, but sober, and cautiously optimistic.
And quite unexpectedly, I made a friend. And then a close friend. And then, a lover. One day, I caught myself thinking, âif it wasnât for Darren, I wouldnât have ever met Judd.â I felt guilt for that. But my therapist said Darren would probably like that he could still make me happy.
At Christmas now, I sit at the sofa and sip coffee while I stare at the mesmerizing beauty of the lights on the tree.
Darrenâs favorite ornament hides shyly off the side, keeping Markâs ornament company too. The tree is even more beautiful now, even though thereâs two small children destroying wrapping paper underneath it and screaming over presents. Judd comes and sits next to me on the sofa, and puts a box in my lap. âMerry Christmas,â he says kissing me. I smile and kiss him back. I am happy.
âMerry Christmas, Judd.â
___________________________
Captions are fictional.