there’s something really gay about two men having sex with each other
Took me a while to figure out why. It’s because there’s balls touching, that’s why.
there’s something really gay about two men having sex with each other
Took me a while to figure out why. It’s because there’s balls touching, that’s why.
I found a way to look at porn while in a coffee shop but they’ve blocked Xtube.com. I can’t wiiiiiiiiiiiin.
“Alright, cat. Talk.”
“Mraow.”
“Don’t be coy with me. Where is it.”
“Mraaaoow.”
“I know you know where it is. It was sitting right here. My ring, I wear it all the time. You know, on the hand I pet you with? Where is it.”
“Mraow.”
“What did you do with it? What do you want? Money? Catnip? Power? Well, you won’t get a lick of it without my ring back!” Ethan insists.
Mrs. Fluffington licks hers paws.
“Don’t you pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about!”
I watch from the recess of the hallway, smothering my giggles behind one hand while filming the scene with my phone in the other. Ethan smacks the table with his palm. “Where is it! Talk damn you, or I will make you talk.”
The cat jerks her head up at the noise, looks at Ethan, then stands up and headbutts him. Ethan sighs and begins to scritch her behind the ears. “Yeah, yeah you like that huh? Feels good huh? Right in that spot. Weellllllll now you won’t get anymore until you tell me where the ring is!”
“Mraaaaow.”
Ethan growls in frustration as Mrs. Fluffington rolls to her side to show off her belly. He narrows his eyes
“They taught you well in cute school. You won’t break easily. Crafty cat. Wait…did you eat it? Did you eat my ring?”
“Mew.”
I know I should really just step in and give Ethan the ring back, but this is far too entertaining. I had taken the ring to measure so I would know what size band to get for his engagement ring. It’s going to be the big surprise for Christmas. Thing was though, Ethan never takes his father’s high school ring off, which made it difficult to measure. When I saw that Ethan had left the ring on the table before he went outside to clean out the gutters after last night’s storm, I made my move. I hadn’t expected him to come back in so soon though, and now I had inadvertently framed my cat.
“Purring are we? That’s a bold move, Mrs. Fluffington. If that even is your real name. You aren’t even married. I know this, I have your file. Talk, kitty, it’s for the best. If you talk, I won’t have to take you into the medical room. Mwuahah. Is that what you want? You have ten seconds to talk. Your adorableness won’t save you this time.” Ethan said in a cartoon-villain sort-of-voice.
I can’t contain myself and my laughter catches his attention.
Ethan swivels his head around until he spots me. “How long have you been standing there?” he asks, sheepish.
“Long enough,” I reply with a smile, tucking my phone into my pocket. “You’re good at that, I think she was about to crack.”
Ethan picks up the cat and snuggles her like a baby. “I seriously think she ate my ring though.”
I make a show of sauntering into the living room holding up his ring in one hand. “I have your ring. I took it to polish it. She was sniffing at it, didn’t want her to eat it or knock it on the floor.”
Ethan’s face melts in relief. “Thank god. Scared me there. I always get so nervous when I take it off.”
“Sorry love.” I kiss his cheek. “I didn’t expect you to come back in so soon. Are you done already?”
“Nah, I had to use the bathroom.”
“Aah. Do you forgive me?”
“I think I can,” Ethan says with a smile, kissing me on the lips. I show him the ring I polished. It only looks marginally shinier.
“Man, I’d go insane if I lost it. I still feel the hole he left behind.”
I cup his bearded cheek. “Your dad would be so proud of you, all your accomplishments. Your weight loss. He’d be pleased that you grew up into such a handsome man.”
Ethan lets the cat down so he can pluck the ring from me and turn it in his fingers. “I would hope so. I often wonder how he would feel if he knew I was in a relationship with a man.”
“Hm. I think he would be a bit freaked out at first, maybe a bit hostile, but once he got to realize you were the same son, I think he’d be ok with it. Besides, I like football, I think we would have bonded.”
“You think so?”
“I know so. Your mom likes me doesn’t she?.”
Ethan nodded. “Yeah she does. Joel?”
“Mm?”
“You know…” he slides the class ring on and off his finger, distractedly. “I wouldn’t mind wearing your ring next to this one day.”
I smile, my heart aching for how much I love this man. He’s making it very hard to keep my secret, well, a secret. I almost crack and propose right there and then. I take his hands into my own.
“I think we are moving in that direction for sure, Ethan,” I say slowly. “That’s something we can absolutely discuss more after Christmas, when we can look at our budget and see just how much we spent spoiling your nieces.”
He makes an exaggerated wince. “Yeah I think we bought the whole toy store…”
I chuckle, and nuzzle him. Ethan returns my affection and kisses me. I volley it back. He smells kinda nice, all outdoors-y. One kiss turns into two, two into four, four into… well.
After some time of standing there, with our hands roving over each-other’s torso’s, Ethan breaks the connection.
He sounds breathy. “Hey uh…you know, I really need to go finish cleaning the gutters before it rains again tonight…”
“…but?” I pry.
“But I was thinking, I would much rather have sex with you right now,” he admits, looking sheepish.
I suppress a groan. I love it when Ethan announces his intentions so bluntly like that. It didn’t use to be this way. His history was mostly with women, and it took him a long time to come around to his lust for me.
“Jesus Ethan,” I sigh. “I would love that. We’ll just do a quick one, alright? So you can get back to those all important gutters.”
“Juuust a quick one,” he agrees.
“Maow.”
We both look down at the black and white fuzzball weaving around our legs.
“And that means keeping the door closed so you can’t get in.”
“Man it’s so weird the way she likes to watch us,” Ethan says. I laugh, and then I take his hand and escort him upstairs.
I can barely wait for Christmas. He’s going to be so surprised.
___________________________
Text is fictional. Sequel is here!
…Plants? Wait, am I misinterpreting this? If there is a section of Tumblr where boys enjoy being potted and put in a corner, someone please show it to me. I would be delighted if the porn videos consisted of two hot guys talking about how their ficus trees are doing so well this season.
Yahoo Answers clickbait, or CockyBoys byline?
I had to read this three times before I realized it wasn’t talking about porn….
The nice lady doing code renovations for my Tumblr theme was uncomfortable working with all the naked man pictures, so she decided to use a Firefox Add-on that changed all my pictures to Grumpy Cat. This will never not be hilarious. Bigger image here.
bookofbaitnate-deactivated20181:
Don’t smoke Marijuana while baking a cake. My roommate and her BFF were baking a cake for her husband’s birthday, and they decided to toke up before getting down to the baking. They ended up getting the munchies pretty bad and ate all the batter before it could reach the oven. >.<
LUCKILY, I bought him a $65 bottle of Jack Daniel’s and last minute said it was from the two of us. And then we ordered pizza. 😛
So yeah, don’t do drugs while baking, unless you want to buy alcohol for the person you’re baking for. And order a pizza. Problem solved!
Rick snapped his fingers and summoned his houseboy to the kitchen. His houseboy came bouncing in immediately. “Yes, Richard, what may I do for you?”
“I invited a couple friends for dinner. I want you to make this before you get started on dinner.” Rick pointed to a plastic bag on the counter.
The houseboy fished in it and picked up a box of cake mix. He scoffed, rolling his eyes back into his skull. “You expect me to make cake from a box? Do I look like Betty Crocker to you sweetheart?” He tossed it onto the counter. “Well, the sprinkles are the only redeemable thing in this bag. Honey there is a reason I do the shopping.”
Rick stared at him, speechless at his houseboy’s catty attitude.
“No no…” the houseboy threw open the pantry door. “We need flour, and vanilla, and salt. Baking powder. Oil. Where is the bag of cane sugar? There it is. Oooo and there is the cocoa powder too. Chocolate cake is the best.”
The houseboy organized the items on the counter and went to the fridge. “Oh good we have eggs. You know you don’t really need eggs, but they’re an easy binder, so whatever.”
The houseboy straightened up and caught Rick staring at his bare ass. “Are you going to help me with this or just gawk at my butt?”
“I think I’m going to fuck you against the counter wearing an apron, then I’m going to leave you to your kitchen sorcery. Are you sure it’s not easier to just make it from a box?”
The houseboy huffed. “Don’t insult me. Only an amateur makes dinner from scratch and dessert from a box. The only thing you should ever use from a box in the kitchen is condoms.” He smirked.
Rick grinned. “Yes, I agree with that for sure.”
“You want coconut in this cake?”
“I don’t care, just bend over, I want your ass right goddamn now. I love it when you’re bitchy.”
His houseboy smiled and bent over the counter. “This is step 1 to baking, you know.”
“Good, I’m learning something,” Rick muttered, searching for a condom in the junk drawer and happily finding several. They went through them all by the time they got to frosting the damn thing.
____________________________________________________
Moral of the story: Have your houseboy or boyfriend bake it. That said, making cake is pretty easy though: mix the dry goods, mix in the wet goods, mix it all, then pop it into the oven. Pre-heat the oven before starting. Stick a toothpick in it when done; a clean one will tell you the inside is cooked.
bookofbaitnate-deactivated20181:
I’ve actually been going commando in my pajama pants. :3
(It’s fucking cold however, found out there’s a hole in my crotch lol)
Tip – microwave a sock. Put sock on your dick and balls. Instant warmth. This is also advisable for getting dressed in the morning. Thank me later. Also, do not burn your dick. I would feel very much badly.
Milo jumps with a yelp when he feels a flat hand strike his ass. He whirls around.
“Who did that?? What was that for!”
Rodriguez grins at him. “Just doing what it says on your jacket.”
Milo glowers at him. “You’re washing all of our flak vests now.”
“Wooorth it.”