“Oh puppy, what are you doing? Did you drop one of your toys behind the sofa again? This is what happens when you play on the sofa instead of the floor,” I chide him as I climb onto the cushions and peer back there. Something is wedged between the sofa and the wall. I get off the sofa and pull the furniture far away from the wall enough so not only does the the item fall, but so I can take a few steps forward and retrieve it. When I see what it is, I shake my head and sigh.

“Puppy.”
“Woof?”
“I’ve told you this before. Dildos are not chew toys.’
He still tries to snatch it out of my hand with my teeth.
"No! Bad puppy! Bad. This was an expensive dildo and now it has teethmarks in it.”
He stops wiggling his butt at the tone of my voice and lowers his head, giving me big sad eyes. I fold my arms. “You have chew toys. Use them.” I sigh again. “I’m afraid you need to be punished for this. Go fetch the paddle.”
He pouts at me, and whines. When he sees I’m not going to relent, he begrudgingly goes to get it. I give him 15 swats, then shut him in the bathroom for an hour with a proper chew toy. Of course, he whimpers through half of it before falling asleep for a quick nap on the bathmat. So stubborn!

He wants me to feel bad, and I do, but he has to learn. When I let him out of the bathroom, I do give him a cookie and a back scratch to let him know I’ve forgiven him. I since have hidden the dildos better. When they’re not up his ass, they’re hidden away safely away and out of reach from chewy pups.

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Text is fictional.