vallentiro14:

Jim sighed. The sun was setting and he was hungry. He had two days to get to his new job, and like 500 miles to cover. He wasn’t a pretty blonde girl either, so Jim knew he was at a disadvantage. People could think he was aggressive, people could think he was a drug dealer or a weed grower or draft dodger. Jim considered his last option. He was probably close enough to San Francisco that it was relevant he was gay. Jim glanced at the rolling hills in the distance. But it was rural enough that it could be also dangerous to be gay. The breeze brought a chill and Jim sighed again.

He set his backpack down, unzipped his pants, and pushed them down enough to show off his butt. He had been working as a tree planter and his body was toned from summer work. His jeans were a tad too fitted, but maybe it would work to his advantage. Maybe. Jim also raised his thumb to signify he needed a ride. 

A car drove past. Another. His arm was tiring quicker now. God, was this lowest moment? His stomach grumbled. Jim debated if the time he gave a blowjob in exchange for dinner was the lowest moment. But that guy was hot, even though he was married, and Jim had enjoyed sucking him off; and the grilled steak was worth it too. But that was in the woods near a campsite. This was on a public road. A pick up truck went by. No, this was probably dumb. There could be children in these cars.

Jim decided this was definitely dumb. Another car went by. He put his hands on his waistband and went to pull up his pants. But the car ahead of him pulled onto the shoulder and slowed down. Jim froze, pants pulled up but not buttoned. A man got out of the car. The man walked up until he was in shouting distance. Bit of a lumberjack type, full beard, flannel shirt. “Need a ride?”
Jim was so stunned he actually looked over his shoulder to see if anyone was behind him. That made the man laugh. “I ain’t talking to a deer, I’m talking to you. That’s what you were asking for right?”
Jim buttoned his pants. “Y-yeah,” he stammered, “I just can’t believe it worked.”
The man laughed again. He had a big smile and great teeth. “Oh it worked. Not every day you see a moon during the day. Where you headed?”
Jim blushed again. “North as possible. I got a forestry job over the winter at Olympia National Forest, and need to get to Tacoma.”
“Well ya lucky bastard, I’m going to my parent’s place north of Seattle, in Bellingham.”
“Are you serious?”
“Sure am. They’re selling their home and downsizing, and I’m coming to help and take a bunch of our family stuff back home with me. Would love some company. Someone to share a hotel room with, really.”
“I can pay a little bit to help with that,” Jim said eagerly.
The lumberjack waved. “I don’t want your money. I want to see what you look like with your jeans off.”
Jim’s eyebrows went up. “Then I’ll take em off before I get in your car if it means you’ll get me to Washington.”
The man grinned wider. “I would enjoy that, but let’s wait until it’s dark.” They introduced themselves as Jim and Frank, shook hands, and walked back to Frank’s car together.

“Oh one sec,” Frank said before he walked over to the driver’s side of his car. He unzipped his pants. “Don’t mind if I pee real fast do you?”
“Oh not all,” Jim said.
The lumberjack pulled himself out; he wasn’t wearing underwear. Jim couldn’t tear his eyes away. What an absolutely stud he was, uncut and hairy too.
“You ain’t worried about getting stuff caught in the zipper?” Jim asked.
“Oh not at all. I ain’t been wearing underwear for a long time,” the lumberjack smirked as he buttoned his pants and walked around to the driver’s side door.
Oh.” Was all Jim could think to say as he got into the passenger side. He was turned on, hungry, and finding it hard to think. 500 miles didn’t seem like enough of a distance all of a sudden.

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Captions are fictional.

rantsofalib:

It’s jock strap Thursday 😁

Brent picked up his phone and read the text message from Donovan: “Hey are you still home?
He wrote back: “Yeah why?”
There was a knock at the door. Brent jumped.
“Hi lol.” Came another text.
Brent walked to the front door and opened it. “Donovan, what are you doing here?”
Donovan grabbed Brent’s shirt. “I need you to fuck me please. I am begging you.”
Brent scoffed. “Woah calm down there. Did you take a viagra or something?”
“No I got a new vibrator and I’ve been playing myself all morning, but it’s not taking the edge off. I need you to fuck me like how you do. You know. Hard. Right into the bed. I need to cum like that.” Donovan whimpered.
Brent decided it was a good idea to let Donovan into the house.
“I’m already lubed and stretched, just for the love of god please.” Donovan cupped Brent’s bulge. “Please?”
“Donovan it’s barely 1 in the afternoon.”
“Your point?”
Brent chuckled. “Guess you woke up on the horny side of the bed. Well I most certainty want to pound your ass into oblivion, but-”
“Nooo not ‘but!”
But my friend Raj is coming over to work on some music. And he has six thick inches buried in dark curls. If you can be a patient boy, you can get wrecked by two cocks, how do you feel about that?”
Donovan whimpered again. “I – I would like that,” he whispered.
“Good.” Brent clapped him on the back. “I think I’ll tie you to the bed while wait.”
Donovan went along willingly and once in the bedroom, began to take off his shorts as he went. Brent glanced at him. “Oh you wore the jockstrap. Leave that on – that’ll make Raj completely crazy.”

Brent lay on the bed, watching Donovan take ropes out of the closet while talking to Raj on the phone. When he hung up, Brent smirked at Donovan.
“He is excited to meet you. And he wants you tied to the bed with a vibrator up your ass. So let’s get to work.”
Goosebumps broke out over Donovan’s body. He had a feeling he was going to like this stranger a lot.
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Captions are fictional.

Gallery

gay-for-guys:

ALEJO OSPINA via Instagram

Jorge set is sparkling water on the end table and dropped onto the sofa with his Switch. He’d done all his tasks today – he’d worked out, prepped meals for the next two days, cleaned the kitchen, and had a consultation with a new client over his fitness goals.
Sweet, guilt-less leisure time until his boyfriend came home.

About twenty minutes later, Jorge heard the door open. He perked up. “Donovan?”
“I’m home~”
“Welcome home, kitten. How was your day?”
“Tiring,” Donovan whined.
Jorge paused his game and looked up as Donovan came into the room.

“I heard you get up early this morning. Did it catch up to you?”
“Yeah it did. I couldn’t sleep after that weird dream I had, so I thought I’d go for a jog and start my day early. Caught up to me after lunch. I nearly fell asleep at my desk, so I’m going to work from home the rest of the day.”
“You want something to eat? Dinner’s in the crockpot for later, be ready about 7.”
Donovan yawned. “No… just a nap.” He eyed Jorge on the sofa. “Fuck you’re a sight for sore eyes. Hm. I know what I’m going to do.”
“What?”
Donovan held up a finger. “One moment.” He went to the bedroom. Jorge could hear him opening drawers. A few minutes later Donovan came back in his pajama pants and a soft tee shirt. He was also holding the seat from the reading chair by their big sun window.
“What are you doing with that kitten?”
Donovan smiled. “Cat nap.” He put the cushion on the floor between Jorge’s legs and sat down on it. He leaned his head against Jorge’s thigh and nuzzled the tight cotton briefs straining to contain Jorge’s package.
“Oh hello there. Is that where your nap spot is gonna be?”
“Mmmhm. I’m very comfortable. Also you smell good.”
Jorge tousled Donovan’s auburn curls. “I showered after my work out.”
“Ish nice.” Jorge then added, “This is so much better than my desk.”
Donovan smiled. “Get some rest kitten. I’m going to wear your ass out after dinner.”
Jorge pulled his sagging head up. “Buh? What did you say?”
“Nothing, nothing. Kitten. Get some rest.”
“I hope I heard that right…”
Donovan chuckled and ran his fingers through his hair and massaged his scalp. “Rest.”
“Oh that feels sooo good,” Donovan purred.

Jorge messed around on his phone with one hand until he was sure Donovan was out, and then withdrew his hand from his boyfriend’s hair so he could use his Switch with both hands. Hard to focus though with such adorableness at his feet. Jorge glanced at the can on the end table. Good thing he thought to bring that. He was going to be stuck on the sofa for a while. Not like he had any complaints about it though…

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Captions are fictional.

Gallery

tallmascjock4daddies:

When your instinct is to spread your legs for daddy

“Oof, lad, I’ve seen your dick a dozen times, but it always blows me away what a big gun you’re packing boy. Just a sausage…”
“You like my dick, Daddy?”
Adam reaches out to caress the shaft through the cotton. “Yeah, I like it a lot. I love that you’re hung for fucking, but you just want my cock more don’t you boy?”
Julian whimpers and nods.
“You spread your legs when I got on the bed. You want me on top of you and in you don’t you?”
Julian nodded quicker.
Adam increased his grip on Julian’s package. “You know that a man’s job in the bedroom isn’t determined by his dick size. You’re a smart boy.”
A wet spot grew in Julian’s underwear. “I’m not smart Daddy, my body just reacts to you. I just listen to it…thought it’s hard to think when you’re standing there in your jock…”
“Fuck that’s hot. Daddy’s dick is throbbing. Let’s get you lubed up, I want to be deep inside you.”

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Captions are fictional.

jockstrap514:

“Where is iiiiiitttt~” Rocket whined and pawed. Kip watched in awe as Rocket pulled out Kip’s missing sandal. Then his other one. Then a third shoe. And a fourth. And a pair of his orange work out pants Kip assumed he’d left at the gym a week ago. “Well I’ll be damned.”
Rocket froze. He looked over his shoulder, a wide eyed look of guilt on his face.
“This is where you’ve hiding stuff you’re pilfered. You bad puppy.”
Rocket lowered himself to the floor and whimpered.
“Couldn’t find your ball huh?” Rocket shook his head.
“Cause it came out the other side of the bed. I can see it in the corner from here.”
Rocket groaned.
“Busted for no reason huh?” Kip picked up his pants. They smelled of sweat and… “Have you been humping my pants?”
Rocket tried to slink under the bed.
“Nooo you come back out. Heel. Heel. Good boy. Well, good bad boy. You are getting some crate time while I figure out what else is hidden under here. Come.”
Rocket sighed and begrudgingly followed Kip to the kitchen where he was instructed inside his crate. Kip gave him his ball at least, and shut the door. “Bad pup. Hour time out.” Rocket whimpered.

Kip went to dig out under the bed and discovered a bevy of socks and underwear, the remote to the old TV that was chewed up, a bottle of lube that Rocket did not like, a couple of stuffed animals he did like, a dirty pillowcase with jizz stains on it, and an old pair of Kip’s jeans that he thought went off for donation – also with jizz stains.
Kip sighed. How long had his pup been doing this? Sneaky boy! It was definitely time to put him in chastity or something… although if he did, Kip would probably have to deal with Rocket sneaking off to leak on stuff he’d hump. Maybe it would be better to forbid masturbation and just milk him more often. Or maybe lock him up but milk him often.

Kip scratched the back of his head. Regardless of that dilemma, first order of business was washing all this stuff. He had an entire wash and dry cycle to figure out how to punish his boy – but it would for sure result in Rocket having a ruined orgasm and a sore ass, that was for sure.

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Captions are fictional.

Gallery

“So I dunno, I guess I could we should go, but it’ll eat up the time I have left here, and plus the drive itself is so long it’s almost not worth it for the time we’re actually there, and -oops-” Danny bends over to pick up my mail he’s dropped. “Especially with the cost of gas and everything, I–”

“Oh my god.”

Danny straightens up. “Oh my god what?”

“I just….I just… I uh. I just realized that I love you.”

Danny turns a little pink. “What?”

“When you bent over to get the mail, the sun was making the back of your ass and thighs glow and I thought you were so goddamn beautiful and confident and I realized how content I am spending time with you…and yeah, fuck.” I run my fingers through my hair. “I’m in love with you.”

Danny is now thorough red in the face and ears. “Why did you have to tell me this before my six week training session in Virginia?”

“I – I don’t know. It just popped in my head! But like, I dunno – like, maybe it’s because I want to make sure you come back.”

Danny sets the mail down and walks over to me. He cups my face in his hands. “I will be back.”

“Really?” I smile.

“Really. I was uh…hoping you’d ask me to come back, honestly,” Danny admits.

“Really?” I ask.

“Really,” Danny says. “But I’m not going to tell you I love you now.”

“Wait, why?” I ask.

“Cause I want to say it when I come back. Cause then I’ll definitely know.”

“You’re…not sure now?”

Danny caresses my cheek. “Honey, I think I’m still high from all the sex you’ve been doing to me. Need to let that fuck fog clear a little and think straight.”

That makes me laugh. “I’m not sure if I should be flattered or annoyed that my cock has cock blocked me.”

“Flattered,” Danny says. “Been some good times in this apartment. But I want to like, know, know. I want to know how it feels to be apart.”

I snake my hands around and cup his ass in both hands. “I’ll wait impatiently for six weeks to see you again and await your answer.”

Danny exhales. “I’m going to have to impatiently wait for you to handle my ass like this again. Christ, I’m gonna be so horny when I get back….”

“Maybe you should decide if you love me before your fuck fog turns into a frustration fog.”

Danny raises an eyebrow. “or maybe I just make a mould of your cock and use it as a dildo instead.”

“Honey if you wanted to do that, I’d pay for it! Shit’s hot!”

That makes Danny howl.

I smile. I don’t need him to tell me he loves me. I know he does. Just by the look in his eyes and the way he’s twisting my shirt in his fingers.

Six weeks later, I got the answer I hoped for, and began running the clock on when to propose.

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Captions are fictional.

Gallery

pornoflexive:

My new bottle opener

“Hey,” I said in a soft voice. I pulled up a bar stool.
He glanced at me sideways. “What do you want?”
“You’re showing a little in the back. The predators over by the pool table are eyeing you.”
The young man glanced over his shoulder, then down at his own butt. He hastily covered himself. His cheeks turned red and he took a deep shot of whiskey. “Thanks.”
“No problem,” I said. “I mean, I like the view, but I don’t think you came here to advertise.”
“What makes you think that?” He asked.
“Either you have bad allergies or someone hurt you, because you keep wiping your cheeks.”
His bottom lip trembled.
“It’s ok.” I signaled the bartender and ordered double of what the young man was having – one for each of us. “What’s your name? Mine’s Elliot.”
“Evan.”
“Funny. We both have E names.”
“Yeah,” Evan said. He sniffled.
“Can I put a hand on your back?”
Evan thought. He nodded. I scooted the stool forward and rubbed his back. Evan blew his nose in a bar napkin.
“What’s wrong honey?”
Evan emptied the whiskey. “My boyfriend’s cheating.”
I clicked my tongue. “Oh honey I’m so sorry. Did you find out tonight?”
“Yes.” Evan’s voice sounds tight.
“Did you fight?”
“Earlier,” Evan responded. “Things have been rough lately. He’s working too much, I’m not working enough. The intimacy has been lacking. We were both kind of waiting for the other to notice how miserable the other was, you know?”
I nodded. “We’re all the protagonist in our own story.”
Evan gives me a soulful look. His eyes welled up with tears again. “Shit.” He reached for the new whiskey.
I sip mine.
“How did you find out?”
“I had been suspecting it for a while… he used to get so frustrated, since we weren’t intimate as often as he wanted you know? But I stopped seeing tissues in the trash. And he came home smelling like shampoo that wasn’t his one night when he thought I was asleep. We had a fight tonight, after he came home late.” Evan sighed.
“Go on,” I said.
“Well… I mean, we both agreed we had been unfair to each-other and we needed to work on our relationship if we wanted to save it. He went to bed. I decided to you know, take some initiative. I wrote him a note to put in his briefcase, telling him I’d bring him lunch at work tomorrow.”
“And?”
Evan sniffled. “I was going to put the note inside the briefcase, but in it I found a heart shaped candy box.”
“It wasn’t for you?”
Evan shook his head. “It was unopened. Receipt said he bought it when he was supposed to be at a ‘meeting’ tonight. Plus, there were almonds in it. I’m allergic to nuts.” His shoulders trembled. “He’s cheating on me.”
I exhaled. “The poor thing. Come here, you need a hug.”
Evan was starved for attention. He leaned into me and I embraced him. He was shaking.
“I am so sorry this happened to you.”
“Me too. But how can I go home? I left as soon as I found the chocolate. He’s going to wake up tomorrow and I’m not there.”
“There’s more important things to concern yourself about. If he was intimate with you at all while he was with this other person, then he could have you know… you need to get tested.”
Evan looked shocked. “For what?”
“STIs, babe. Routine. You got to protect yourself.”
“Oh god,” Evan groaned, resting his face in his palms. “And then what if there is something? I mean, how I can even face him again? Is one of us going to have to move out? What about rent? Our furniture we bought together?”
“Shh shh one thing at a time. One thing. Finish your whiskey. Let’s take you to urgent care, get you tested. Then I’ll put you in a hotel for the night, ok?”
Evan stared at me. “You’d…pay for a hotel room? for me?”
“I have ridiculous credit card points. Let me, ok? Please? You need a place to rest safely tonight.”
Evan sipped his whiskey. “Ok,” he agreed. He sounded tired. Defeated. “Thank you.”
“And no strings attached.”
Evan nodded. “I couldn’t get it up now if I wanted to.”
I chuckled. “You can worry about that later. Come on, now. Finish up, boy.”
Evan nodded with a blank look on his face. I could see the pain, the hurt, deep in his eyes. I had just met him, but the urge to protect him was fierce and deep. How could anyone take this sweet, sensitive man and just take advantage of him like that? I was not going to stand for it. I would do everything I could to get him back on his feet.

______________

Two days later, Evan came back into the bar to have a drink after work and do some reflecting. A lot had happened in 24 hours. He tested positive for –ugh, gross!- pubic lice. He’d kicked Andrew out, and put in an application for a studio apartment in the same building. Less furniture would be needed for a smaller space. Evan had been a force to be reckoned with these last few days, but now that he stopped moving he felt tired and alone. That Elliot guy had been such a huge help, but he couldn’t mooch off his good graces forever. Evan wondered what his motivations were though, and if he just had the word ‘victim’ plastered on his own forehead.

Someone came up next to him at the bar and sat down. A rather handsome guy with broad shoulders and dark skin.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hi,” Evan replied.
“Hey uh,” he guy said. “I saw you here the other night. You were pretty upset. Are you ok now?”
“Oh,” Evan replied. “Yes. Sorry. Didn’t mean to make a scene. My boyfriend cheated on me.”
The guy groaned. “Dude it happened to me too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I walked in on them humping like bunnies.”
Evan winced. “Yikes.”
“Indeed, indeed. Is uh, Elliot helping you out?”
Evan blinked. “You know him?”
“Oh we all do. He’s kind of a figure around here. Helps lost boys.”
“He helped you too?” Evan asked.
The man nodded. “He did.”
“Did he ask for anything in return?”
“Nope. Not at all. Just has a lot of money and likes to play dad.”
“Oh, that’s a relief. I was wondering if he was trying to get me to sleep with him,” Evan admitted.
The guy scoffed and shook his head. “No. Not Elliot. You know his story right?”
Evan shook his head.
“Elliot cheated on his husband. He was drunk, it was a weakness. The boy committed suicide when he found out.”
Evan gasped. “Oh my god.”
“I looked up the case once. There were some underlying issues… the boy had a history of bipolar disorder, Elliot had an issue with drinking. Regardless of what happened, Elliot never forgave himself. I think he’s just trying to atone.”
“By being our guardian angels?”
The man smiled. “Yeah. I think so.”
“Well, I needed one the other night. I was so upset.”
The man nodded. “I feel you. I got into a fight at the bar when it happened to me. Hey uh, you wanna go get something to eat? My name’s Mechad by the way.”
“Evan.” They shook hands. “Food sounds great but…I’m not really looking to jump into a relationship right away.”
Mechad held up his his hands. “No no. I understand. But it never hurts to have a friend right?”
Evan smiled. “I could use a friend.”
“So could I. I just moved here. Too many memories back in Portland.”

Elliot had come in the back at some point and had been watching from a back table. He smiled as the two boys left together, chatting. The lost lambs had found their way.
Elliot let the deep satisfacation wash over him, but also relief for the hundredth time that humans couldn’t see his halo and thought he was just a regular man. He had shot himself after watching Tom jump off that balcony, but something had went awry. Elliot didn’t go to heaven, or hell. Elliot went to a black place. A voice told him, he wanted to go to heaven, he had to atone. He had, and that was a hundred boys ago. Now, he just working. Elliot glanced at his watch. Three hours until the next one. New York kept one oh so busy.

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Captions are fictional.
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thekinkygrad:

Rise and shine!

I place the mug on the counter and sit down on the edge of the bed.

“Hey baby,” I coo. “Time to wake up.”

“Mmnn…”

I put a hand on his ass. “I brought you some hot chai, and I made cinnamon waffles and apples downstairs.”

“Ya did?”

“I did. I also started a load of laundry and cleaned your kitchen…”

Vlad rolls over and peers at me through sleepy puffy eyes. “How do you get all that energy after sex? I just want to hibernate.”

I give a shy shrug. “It just invigorates me. Plus I always feel this urge to do something to thank boys who bottom for me. Once that kicks in, I can’t sleep.”

“I think that’s a quirk of being a submissive top,” Vlad says. He yawns hugely and stretches like a lion.

“I think that’s just me *being* a submissive top,” I tease back.

He snorts. “Maybe so.” He gazes up at me with those pretty chocolate eyes and cups my cheek. “Damn you’re a sight for sore eyes. I love waking up to a pretty face.”

I blush, right on cue. “Oh come on Vlad.”

“What? You know I pick certain positions during sex just so I can see your face?”

I gasp. “No!”

“Yup. I do. You are blushing up a storm there.”

I clap my hands to my face. “Aaaaghhh.”

He laughs. “You also make great facial expressions. Mnn is that my chai there?”

“It is.” Vlad sits up, and I pass him the chai. He sips and groans. “God you make this well.”

“Thank you.”

I watch him sip and admire his almost nude body. The bulge in the jockstrap is distracting. His abs are distracting. Every bob of his Adam’s apple is distracting.

“Andy?”

“Hm?”

“Go out with me?”

My eyes widen. “Like – like dating?” I squeak.

“Yeah. I mean, pretending we’re both just friends with benefits is silly at this point. I want…well, more.”

“More?” I whisper.

“More you,” Vlad replies. He gazed down at his chai. “More of this.”

“Chai?”

“Mornings,” he corrects in his sturdy gentle tone. “Mornings with you. More fooling around. Sex. Fun. Time together. You are the only top I’ve met who lets me be me, to be dominant and take charge. And I may be wrong, but I get a feeling you do all this nice stuff for me because it’s how you show you care?”

I nod. “Yes. I do care about you.”

“I’d be an idiot to squander this for another pointless night of fucking. I’ve had those years. I want to be selfish with you.”

I hadn’t realized I was smiling until I became aware my cheeks hurt. “Am I blushing right now?”

“Tremendously,” Vlad notes.

“It would make me really happy if we were together,” I say.

Vlad cups my cheek again. I can feel his callouses from when he drums. “Good. It’d make me happy too.” He leans forward and we kiss. “Very good. Very very good.”

I bite my lip. “Yay.”

Vlad chuffs. “Yay indeed.”

There’s a pause as we digest this.

“Can…can we have sex after breakfast?” I ask.

A devilish grin flashes on Vlad’s face. “I was really hoping you’d say that.”

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Captions are fictional.

Gallery

torontopup:

www.recon.com/torontoslave

Joey knocked.
“Come in,” said a burly voice.
“Thank you Sir,” Joey replied. He entered the room, filled Darren’s glass with fresh filtered water, which was just a centimeter from being empty.
“Thank you much boy. Very thoughtful.”
“Of course Sir. May I bring you a snack or anything?“
“No thank you, boy. I’ll be eating a banana and having a protein shake before the gym later, so I’ll do that then.”
“Of course. How are your stocks Sir?”
“Looking good,” Darren said with a smile. “But I’d rather look at you. You are shaping up beautifully, boy.”
Joey turned pink. “Thank you Sir. I feel very inadequate next to you, but it’s…inspirational.”
“Aw. That’s kind of you to say so boy. One day you’ll be able to out bench me. One day.”
Joey raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “Not in this life!”
“Oh you will,” Darren said, slapping Joey’s solid ass.
“Oh!”
Darren moved his hand up Joey’s thigh, admiring the taut muscle under neath. His hand slid upwards to brush over Joey’s bulge before letting it fall away. “Such good progress.”
“Thank you, Sir,” Joey stammered.
“Good boy now. I gotta finish my analysis now. See you down in the kitchen later.”
“Yes sir!” Joey said. He bowed in respect and left.

Joey’s heart was fluttering the whole time he bounced down the stairs. He’d met Darren in the gym. Darren was his mentor, his Sir, the first stud to claim him and fuck him in the locker room. He worshiped Darren and all his hot muscles – and his very nice thick cock. To think one day he’d eclipse Darren was a crazy thought. Joey flexed. Still not nearly as big as Darren. One day at a time. He hoped it didn’t happen too fast though. He liked being a boy in service and having a gym buddy.

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Captions are 100% fictional. Source is here. This guy is really beefy. Check out his Tumblr that I just linked. He has his own calender.