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malemodelsbackstage:

Vlad Blagorodnov & Carl Axelsson

Gene’s thumbs bounce over his phone screen: Thanks for coming with me.
Luke texts back: No problem.
Gene: I’m really scared.
Luke: Broken condoms happen. You did everything right, so don’t worry.
Gene: Thank you. But… I’m also scared I’ll lose you as a friend, you know, if I’m positive.
Luke: Aww…you’re scared you’ll lose me? Even though we just met a few weeks ago?
Gene: Yeah.
Luke: Is this why you’re texting me even though we’re sitting right next to eachother? Because you’re scared?
Gene clears his throat and shifts, eyes never ungluing from the floor: Yeah. I’m scared I’ll start crying.
Luke: Well, I can’t tell. You’re playing it cool.
Gene: Yay being a Broadway actor.
Luke nudges Gene: “It’s going to be ok you know.”
Gene turns his head slightly toward Luke. “I hope so.”

There’s a moment of silence.
Luke: Do you want to fool around when we get home?
Gene hammers out a response: You can think of sex at a time like this??
Luke: I dunno… I’m feeling the urge to live. I feel like if we go on with our lives, it shows we’re not scared.  I don’t let fear control me. It shouldn’t control you either.
Gene: …Huh. I guess that makes sense. A hot bath *would* be nice.
Luke: I’ll stroke you in the water with a washcloth until you cum..
Gene blushes and clears his throat. “You stop that.”
Luke smirks and types: Slow…gentle teasing strokes…the textured terry cloth against your taut flushed skin…water gleans as it trickles down your pink erection…
Gene: oh my fucking god for the love of god, Luke, stop.
Luke: Your moans bouncing off the tile walls…
Gene hits Luke with his knee. Luke laughs as he nearly falls off the chair. Gene snorts too at the comical flail of limbs and finds he isn’t nervous anymore.

A nurse walks into the room. “Genesis Reynolds?”
Gene raises his hand.
“Good luck,” Luke said. “I’ll be waiting.”

And to Gene’s surprise, Luke really does wait. Luke walks him all the way home and into the bath-tub. Up until the moment of the test, Gene had been obsessing over being positive and that disastrous one night stand. But as Luke fulfills that promise with the washcloth, Gene finds his mind completely empty. No fear. No panic. Just acceptance. You can’t change what already is. You just got to move on. You cant let fear control you. You just got to live.

A week later, the test comes back negative. But three months later, it comes back positive. Gene’s stunned. He knows these things take time before you know for sure, but that day came. Luke comes over to talk, but Gene doesn’t even cry. He’s not scared. He shrugs, puts the results in a drawer, and moves on with his life. Tomorrow he’ll make a doctor’s appointment. Tonight, they’ll get dinner and fool around after. Gene doesn’t care. Fear doesn’t control him and he will not let it get in the way of love.

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Captions are fictional. For World’s AIDS Day today.

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I pause when the photo shows up on my Facebook feed. It’s public, but addressed to me: ‘We’re having a great time, Paul! I’m so happy, thank you!!!“

I should be jealous. Green with it. They’re a perfect, handsome gay couple. William has an attractive rectangular face, straight white teeth, and a jaw you could chisel coal with. He’s got a thick neck and 45 degree deltoids under unmarred flesh. His boyfriend Raul is equally damn attractive, even with his hook nose that gives him character. Raul’s kissing William on the cheek. William’s face is flush with contentment. Behind them, the sea off the coast of Brazil stretches into infinity, buffeted by towering mountains. It’s an over-cast day, which leaves no strong shadows in the photograph.

They’re totally, utterly perfect. I am single, he is taken – completely, 100% taken. I should be jealous, but I’m not. I’m beyond happy. This time two years ago, William was headed toward a coffin – he left an abusive relationship, and walked right into the arms of crystal meth. Months of drugs, booze, and anonymous sex caught him up with him; his HIV positive status was detected in the hospital after he was found passed out on a grocery store floor. I was his counselor, helping him emerge out of a toxic situation into a healthy one. He was suicidal, near starving, not managing his positive status.

I was sure I was going to lose him. Raul gave him something to work for. Raul ran the coffee shop next door to the recovery meeting place. He was working on an MBA, clean and ambitious. He didn’t mind William’s positive status, but Raul would not court a man ragged and riddled from crystal meth. I used Raul as an incentive for William to keep going, even going so far as asking Raul to write him notes of encouragement on paper napkins. William kept every one.

I could barely see the old William in the new one. He jokingly called himself Will 2.0, and I understood why. He had been reborn. William was enrolled in school for fall, and soon they would move across town so Raul could start a new job. Before they began their life together, they took a trip to Brazil – to celebrate life, to celebrate eachother. I was just so happy for them, I began to cry at my keyboard.

I commented: "Thank yourself too. You created your own happiness. You fought so hard, harder than any patient I have ever had. It’s wonderful to see you live.”

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Text is fictional. Source unknown.

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amphipathy:

Rudolf Nureyev, one of the most talented dancers of the 20th century. Fled the communist Soviet Union in 1961 in order to practice his art. Died on 6 January 1993, nine years after testing positive for HIV.

Poor baby. Dance was his life, and he risked it to dance. He was born a nobody in Siberia and died a legend in Paris. Shame that what cut his life short was one, fleeting moment of pleasure in the bedroom without a condom.