Marcus laughed at the text message. He briefly messaged this guy Corey on Grindr a few days back, but never got a reply – that is, until 2 am. At that moment, Marcus was tired and annoyed, and ignored it for sleep, but now at 2 pm this showed up. Marcus had questions. Was Corey so desperate to fuck a bloke that it took him twelve hours to accept that he’d  have to sacrifice the muffins to get it? And what did Corey mean by ‘muffins’? Was he offering to bake them? Buy some? or was Marcus expected to provide? Maybe it was some sexual term. 

A quick check to the Urban Dictionary confirmed it was slang for ‘pussy’, which just amused Marcus more. Did his Corey guy get on the wrong app? And if he meant ‘pussy’, then why was anal not hidden under some food euphemism? It wasn’t like there was a shortage. Plus, did he just want to see a vagina or did he want to have sex with one? And anal? 

Marcus decided to put his TA skills to the test. He sat down on the sofa, eating a late afternoon snack of Cap’n’Crunch in his underwear – it was too hot after his shower to put on pants – and replied:

Thesis statement severely inefficient. To what context is ‘muffins’ applied? Are you exploring acquiring or conceiving such muffins? Are you exploring ‘muffins’ as a cultural appropriate of the female body, or are you simply researching baking? Also please relate how your interest in anal – presumably anal sex? – ties to your core topics. Then he hit send.

Marcus didn’t expect Corey to respond and got distracted with Tumblr. Someone was posting hot ballet boys and he was enjoying scrolling. As he was getting down to the milk in his bowl, Corey actually responded. Marcus flipped out and opened it immediately.
Corey: WTF bro.
Marcus chuckled and texted back: Still waiting clarification over here. Were you high?
Corey replied: Nah bro…pastry arts student. Was up to 3 am yesterday testing recipes for class. We had to make muffins without any recipes. Was too horny to sleep. 
Marcus: Oooohh. 
Well, most of the mystery was gone. 
Corey added: I might have also been high, actually. You know, #bakingbaked?
Ok so, that explained it. Corey was chatty of all of a sudden.
Corey: So I was going through old Grindr messages. I missed yours.  You’re hot. I’d fuck you, bro. Still would. 

I waited for an obvious follow-up but when he didn’t, I had to beg the question.
Marcus: But…are there still muffins?
Corey sent him a photo, and Marcus had to laugh. The counter in his kitchen was piled in at least four dozen muffins. Layers of them, all haphazardly stacked and smooshed under glass domes. I may have muffins.
Marcus: Are they good?
Corey: Yeah they’re great. Just really crumbly, or sweet or something. Experiments 2, 4, 5, and 8.
Marcus: What happened to the rest.
Corey: Uh…mistakes were made. There was a fire. 
Marcus hooted. He scrolled through Corey’s photos again. Get laid now, yes or no? Hm…. His fingers flew over the keyboard: So…anal and muffins?
Corey replied instantly: Fck! Yeah! Are you a muffin top or a bottom?”
Marcus found himself liking this guy more and more. Maybe he was still high but he was entertaining. Bottom. 100% bottom twink.
Corey: U on campus?
Marcus: In Reinheart dorms.
Corey: Fuk yah. I’m in Ross Dorms. 415. Bring milk.
Marcus grinned: I just showered. Be there in ten. 

As Marcus put his bowl in the sink his roommate came home. “Oh hi Ben, bye Ben!”
“Uh hi and bye and where are you going and without pants?”
“Don’t need pants,” Marcus explained as he took the milk out of the fridge, “I’m going to the next dorm to get laid.”
“…At 2 in the afternoon?” Ben asked.
“Dude, there’s muffins involved.”
Ben perked up. “Bring me some.”
“Will do!”
“But put on pants, please. You have to go back to your room to get condoms anyway.”
“Uuuhhh fine, Dad,” Marcus said in a dramatic, queeny voice. He came out wearing pink sweatpants that said ‘Juicy’ on the ass.
Ben sighed. “Work in progress. By the way, who is this guy?”
Marcus picked up my keys on the end table. “Corey in 415. See ya!”
Ben watched his roommate go then dove for the cabinets. “Wait, wait, take a tupperware container for the muffins!”
“Oh my god Ben seriously?”
Ben shrugged. “A man’s got to have priorities.”
“And right now, mine is getting laid.” Marcus plucked the tupperware out of his outstretched hand then turned left with a smile.
“Have fun with the Muffin Man!” Ben called
“Oh fuck you seriously.” And then Marcus closed the door behind him, listening to Ben laugh to himself in the kitchen.

Corey in 415 turned out to be a hot little stud muffin himself, a somewhat husky but handsome pastry student and budding chef who spent too much time in the kitchen and not enough time in the bedroom. Marcus made sure to remedy that, as he did for the rest of the school year. His waistline was not too happy about Corey’s talents, but that’s why the gym was invented right?

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Text is 100% fictional and Corey’s personality is fictional as well. This post came from the Tumblr straightboystexting​ but it just struck a chord with me and I had to write this silly (gay) thing.