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Tommy Defendi and Marc Dylan
2am Booty Call (2012)

Assad could not sleep. The air conditioner wasn’t running right, and the heat of the day lingered around the house. It was just warm enough to be uncomfortable. Assad sat in front of the TV eating a bowl of cereal in his underwear. He watched the couple in the cafe in the commercial and felt jealous. Another commercial came on for a fitness apparatus. The dude was ripped. Assad’s spoon hovered over the bowl. Watching him work out triggered the butterflies in his stomach. Goddamn, he wished Mr. Buff would just walk in and dominate him. Look at the sweat drip down his pecs! Assad set his spoon down in his bowl when the lightbulb went off. Holy shit, I need to get laid.

He picked up his phone. It was long after midnight. Too late to call or text anyone, as they’d think it was an emergency. Dick emergencies were not exactly life threatening, although sometimes it really did feel that way. Assad stared at his phone screen, and after a moment, opened Grindr with a sigh. He tried to avoid apps, they were overwhelming and the infinite beefcake parade made him feel inferior. Maybe the hour would work to his advantage.

Assad set his parameters for guys and a couple results came up. He found two who listed they were tops and cool with a hook up, and messaged them. “Are you awake? I”m having a dick emergency.” A few seconds passed. Nothing. Assad sighed. He muted the TV, got up, and took his bowl to the kitchen. He had turned the water on to wash the bowl when he heard a familiar ding. He shut off the water. Did he hallucinate that?

Assad ran over to his phone. He had not! One guy, Matt, had replied.
“I am awake. What’s a dick emergency? I checked outside, didn’t see a Penis shaped Bat Signal.”
Assad chuckled to himself. “I can’t sleep. I feel like I’m going up the walls. I need to get laid, badly, or I’m going to be up until dawn.”
“You just got horny suddenly? What are you doing?”  The other guy wrote back.
“There was a hot guy working out on a commercial on TV. I got like half a boner and then it clicked.”
“Oh oh, was it the really ripped dude in that Flexinator commercial?”
“Holy shit, YES ahahah. You know what I mean then.”
“DUDE haha. I totally know. He’s so intense. All that grunting. Fyeww.” Matt wrote back with like three water droplet emojis. He added. “I don’t entirely look like that you know.”
“Honestly I think I’d be terrified to get fucked by a guy like that. I like how you look as is. You got a penis?”
“Hmm, just checked, yep.”
“Great, you’re qualified. I just showered an hour ago, I got everything, lubes, condoms…please tell me you’ll come over to some total strangers house to fuck his desperate ass in the middle of the night.”
There was a pause as Matt typed out a response. Assad held his breath. “Sweetheart, I’d be honored. I feel called to the battlefield. Just um, I’m fricking starving, is there any place open near you?”
Assad ran to the kitchen, pulled sandwich ingredients out of the fridge, and sent Matt a collage of them on the counter. “You want roast beef or turkey?”
“Daaamn! Fuck, I’ve never had a hook up make me a sandwich. Send me your address, I’m on my way. Roast beef for real, though. You got any BBQ sauce?”

Assad made a happy noise at Matt’s eagerness.
“Oh thank god,” he muttered. He sent his address to Matt, and set to making a sandwich. The man arrived fifteen minutes later.
Assad was in his underwear. Matt was in a tight black shirt and black pants from the venue he worked at. When he saw the dinner on the table, complete with chips, grapes, and a drink, he cupped Assad’s face and kissed him right on the lips.
“I am definitely going to take care of you. Anything you need, baby. I got you. Don’t you worry. This is amazing.”
They chatted. They flirted. Assad stole some grapes. It was 2 in the morning when they brushed off the crumbs and put the plate in the sink. They looked at each other.
“Bedroom?” Matt asked with a stretch.
Assad made a sweeping gesture. “This way to the Bat Cave.”
Matt clutched his heart. “Oh Bruce Wayne, I never thought the day would come! It’s so hard to know your emotions under that mask, but I always dreamed this would be real.”
Assad led Matt into his room . “If you’re Robin, and you’re a top, are you implying Robin is the top here?”
Matt wiggled his eyebrows. “Dun dun dun. Turns that little twink is a freak in the Bat Bedroom. Takes some shit out of Batman’s utility belt and like, gets down to business. Ever been tied to the bed with a grappling hook? Bruce definitely has.”
Assad was still laughing from that when Matt moved in to kiss him and he had to remember how to close his mouth.
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Captions are fictional.


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